


'those days we can never go back to'

by CastelloFlare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Erwin and Levi's past, Levi's POV, M/M, Origin Story, eruri - Freeform, remembering the past, the horse is not part of some sexual act alright, the horse needs some credit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 19:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastelloFlare/pseuds/CastelloFlare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A memory that seemed so distant as if it might have happened to somebody else entirely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'those days we can never go back to'

**Author's Note:**

> Because fanfiction exists for us to let our imaginations run wild, I will turn Levi into a tsundere uke. Because he makes a very cute uke.

The first time we met, Erwin Smith was Vice Captain of the Scouting Legion, and I was just a street rat scouring the inner walls for food and game. He was back from a mission outside the walls and was walking around town on his day off, and I was out in an alley beating up some other guys for some stolen meat. He just happened to round that corner when I was finishing them up, and our eyes met. I thought for sure that this person wearing that uniform brimming with justice and honor would report me to the Military police.

But he didn’t.

Days flew by and he would often find me lurking about in the town, and whenever he did, he would give me some freshly baked bread from a bag. I found it peculiar how often our paths would cross, and one day after cornering him, he told me with that smile of his that he was interested in me, that he was drawn to me somehow. He said, in a bashful way that kind of irked me, that he couldn’t help but want to find me every day. I didn’t understand him at all so I hit him in the gut and told him to go get himself other hobbies. I thought he would stop getting involved with me anymore.

But he didn’t. 

Despite my angry protests and blatant defiance, one day he took me to his house and washed me, dressed me in his clothes that weren’t my size, and cooked me some real food to eat. Instead of thanking him, I laughed at him, and proceeded to mock him for his idiocy for taking in a hostile guy like me who would probably escape in the late hours taking with me some of his belongings. I thought he would stop giving me that damn smile of his, and kick me right out of his house in an instant.

But he didn’t.

It had already been a few days that I was staying in his house, and something was bothering me. Then one day I asked, why didn’t he stop that day I hit him? What was it he saw in me that made him not want to give up? What was so good in a street rat like me? He smiled, and said “Well, you didn’t laugh when I told you I was drawn to you, remember? I was sure then and there that you weren’t a bad guy.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked away and hoped he couldn’t see my face. But it seemed like he did notice that my ears had gone red, and I thought that he would laugh at me for being such a kid.

But he didn’t.

The days I spent in his house were long and yet short; he had to get back to the force on the day after next. I thought that with him gone, and with me being only his temporary maid with no other honest job on his name, I would surely be back in the streets again living life like the old days. However, it seemed that Erwin had already thought about it two steps ahead like he always does, and that night he surprised me by asking me to go outside the walls with him, this time as a colleague. I thought for a moment that this offer was definitely a joke, that he would crack a smile and admit that he really was playing with a kid like me to pass the time during his days off.

But he didn’t.

After my training and graduation, Erwin came up to me with tears in his eyes. I couldn’t face him when he’s looking at me like that, so I tried my best not to meet his gaze when he was congratulating me. His hands wrapped in mine were shaking as he smiled and said repeatedly, as if to engrave his words into my brain, how much he was proud of me, and then when I thought he was finally finished, he said in a husky, hushed voice, “… I love you, Levi.” And in my shock I looked up and met his eyes which were filed with utmost sincerity, and I froze in place as he placed a hand at the nape of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss, my very first kiss. It was soft and gentle at first, and then slowly escalated into a kind of dance wherein our tongues were in a wet, tangled waltz with him leading me into some sort of frenzy I have never felt before. We stopped only when he felt I was out of breath, and in that close distance, I could see how happy Erwin was that I was in his arms. Until now I have always thought that my feelings would only be in the way if I stayed with him, because I presumed he had only looked at me as a kid, that he only wanted to take care of me out of paternal sentiments.

But he didn’t.

We made love wherever and whenever we could, as long as it didn’t get in the way of our line of duty. It felt thrilling being involved in something so secret and forbidden; the now Commander of the Scouting Legion and the one dubbed as Humanity’s Strongest Soldier banging when no one’s looking would look good on the tabloids. I was happy, and this happiness brought out the best in me as it did for Erwin, and we worked on countless expeditions together. I placed all my trust in him, and I fought for all I was worth, pushed by adrenaline and the determination to come home safely with Erwin. I thought that I was invincible, infallible. In my own happy world, I thought this could go on forever.

But he didn’t.

Erwin was always a man of strategy and precision, and he never failed to demonstrate his talents on and off the battlefield. He would always be quick to devise attack and defense plans that would ensure the least number of casualties for each expedition outside the walls. But with this strength and power also comes the burden of many lives on his shoulders, and he carries the weight of every injury and death every single day. I am one of his many soldiers that place their faith on him. And on that day in the battlefield, everyone else, after seeing their strongest soldier falter in the sudden attack of four deviants, froze in horror.

But he didn’t.

Erwin came into the room and sat on the chair next to my bed. In front of the soldiers and high officials he was always the collected and composed Commander, but before me he will always by my sweet and gentle Erwin, who was easily moved to tears whenever I was even the slightest bit injured. He kissed my forehead and held my hand, not uttering a word, and I just waited for him to calm his inner turmoil. After being silent for a while, he took a big breath, and told me the decision that he had made along with the higher ups: I would not be allowed to go on the next expedition. My breath caught in my throat and the world around me stopped for a moment. I understand he was worried, he was scared more than anyone else for my safety, but I can’t accept this. I begged of him to let me come, even if I’ll just be with the cargo. I promised that I wouldn’t be a burden to him or to anyone in the Scouting Legion. This wasn’t about pride and honor; I feared the idea of not being able to see his back as he led the legion on his horse, and I was scared of not being there with him because I was well acquainted with the dangers offered by the outside world. I lost it; I pounded on his chest and even threatened to come after him even when he didn’t want me to. The wound on my leg was starting to reopen, but I didn’t care. I yelled at him over and over until my voice became gruff and his shirt was unbuttoned by my shaking hands clutching at his collar. His body was trembling underneath the fabric, and I looked up to see if he was looking at me.

But he didn’t.

Erwin didn’t come back into the room anymore because he knew his presence would only upset me. Three days later, I heard that the Scouting Legion was going on their next expedition. I wept in silence, as I heard the gates being opened for the people to send off the brave soldiers. My Erwin, my strong yet kind Erwin, was going away. I felt my heart going out there with him, and I spent the remaining days trying my best to recover fast, so that I can greet him when he gets back, and apologize. I found strength on my belief of his safe return, and in a week, I was completely healed and able to walk. I thought I could fully face him when he returns on his horse.

But he didn’t.

He came back on a horse-pulled cart, white cloth over what remained of his body.

He came back a corpse.

I knew he was blaming himself for my injury. I knew that he was angry at himself for making a strategy that relied on my abilities too much, thus making me carry much of the burden of that one expedition. But I didn’t care. I trusted him, and I still do. And now I’m angry at myself for not being strong enough to accompany him this time.

An animalistic cry filled with agony, sorrow, and regret escaped my mouth as I screamed for him to open his eyes and look at me once more, to touch my face and tell me everything’s alright, to assure me that we were going back home together. I held him in my arms, his cheek against mine as I begged him to wake up and come back from wherever he was right now…

But he didn’t.

And then I remembered in that moment, a memory that seemed so distant right now that it could have happened to somebody else. Back then, we made a promise that we would see this through to the end, that we would be together when this war reaches its conclusion. We were aware it was only wishful thinking, just an idealistic and naïve dream that we shared. But I knew at the back of my mind that one of us was going to break that promise.

 

… And he did.


End file.
